DeanWuBlog

RSVPs

I recently received a short email from someone I’d invited to a social event, apologizing for having failed to RSVP. Although she was not able to attend anyway, she felt remiss for neglecting to inform me. This was remarkable for two reasons: first, most people nowadays seem to lack any appreciation of the concept of an RSVP; second, even fewer people seem to even notice such a faux pas much less believe it is worth any correction. I appreciated the message very much, both for it’s own sake and as a signal about our shared norms. An RSVP is more than a mere courtesy. Among other rationales for the practice, except for large public events, an RSVP is crucial to establishing an accurate headcount and determining whether to wait for a potential late arrival.

More generally, the RSVP belongs to a category of gestures that anyone, regardless of origin, can not only learn but also execute well, that involve minimal effort and produce an excellent return on the investment, and that are certain to be noticed for their increasing rarity. Another such practice is the thank-you note. Our mothers were right. It is important to send thank-you notes, for gifts and after having been a guest. A failure to do so is simply rude, but needlessly so. As much as I rely on email, in this context there is much more to a hand-written card. It need not be on Crane’s or Pineider stock, or written with a fountain pen, to be impressive and memorable. My 96 year-old aunt writes with a magic marker on white paper she has drawn wide lines on, because that is all she is able to manage.

These practices have in common that they involve follow through. The RSVP is a statement of intention and making good on it is important for establishing a pattern of reliability. The thank you note shows thoughtfulness even after the meal, the drink, the entertainment, and the conversation are no more than a memory.

For a lawyer, follow through is crucial. The source of the greatest number of complaints from clients about their attorneys is that the latter fail to communicate. It takes only a moment to overcome inertia, and the effort will distinguish the competent lawyer from the obviously competent lawyer. If you say to someone, “Let’s do lunch,” then contact her immediately and set an appointment.

Of course, I don’t doubt that there are many occasions when it also is principled to disregard etiquette. David Henry Thoreau, one of the most original thinkers our nation has produced, hardly ever bother with social niceties. He needed neither RSVPs nor thank you notes at Walden Pond. Yet I suspect that Thoreau, scientific in his observations, was at least aware of the rules. When be broke them, he did so deliberately.